


The Thorn in Your Side

by poolparty666



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Humor, I'm gay, M/M, Spideypool - Freeform, Team Up, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, Trans Wade Wilson, Wish Fulfillment, i cant take anything seriously so this is written like crack, i think im gonna write smut eventually, spider-man and deadpool are both, this is supposed to have plot, trans men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8159815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poolparty666/pseuds/poolparty666
Summary: Spider-man and Deadpool are at it again in the gayest teamup yet! Can they find the villain who's cruelly experimenting on young mutants and put a stop to the Evil Plan™? Can they stand each other? Can they open up to one another? Can they... fall in love?





	1. Start It Up

**Author's Note:**

> White Box is represented by {}  
> Yellow is []

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, as I hope you all know, Deadpool/Wade has two different voices in his head, represented by a {white} and a [yellow box], respectively the voice of reason, and the more mischevious voice. Think what you want, but I personally characterize Deadpool as having catatonic schizofrenia (NOT Dissociative Identity Disorder) which he struggles with on a daily basis, but occassionally it worsens. BTW, I'm kinda cherry-picking characterization of Deadpool here since he's so widely characterized by different artists.

~~**Mandatory Opening Action Scene. Movie Equivalent of Clickbait.** ~~

Bullets hailed thickly from behind the vehicle, somehow none of them touching Deadpool.

{Why was it that these professional baddies with automatic weapons never knew how to use them in these stories anyways?}

He wasn't expecting the attack being a little off his game, so he couldn't do that superhuman bullet dodging thing either. So they were just shitty then.

The merc rolled his eyes. _Who was it this time?_ He guessed it was the sour deal with that gang the “Black Bugs” or whatever finally catching up with him. Really, he expected better from Xiang. He's one of the smart ones, would've thought he'd leave it. Oh well. _Hope he doesn't have kids_ , he thought as he dove for cover behind a parked car.

Deadpool whipped out (haha) a manual from one of his many holsters and peeked around to gauge what he was up against. There were maybe fifteen of them. They had emerged from behind their clearly stolen eighteen wheeler–

[Unless- gasp! It was Libby's canned veggies that was after him]

–and were darting around like it was Call of Duty or somewhere else where it wouldn't be incredibly stupid and messed up to have a boss battle in an urban inhabited area– even a bad neighborhood isn't that bad. One guy even did the Mission Impossible role. What a catch.

"Okay kiddies, you ready for some friendly fire?" he muttered.

Deadpool leaped onto the Subaru Outback he had been crouched behind (Sorry Steve Irwin's slutty cousin with a nine-to-five), guns blazing. He had the upper ground giving him the chance to fire pretty aimlessly into the crowd of goons below him and take some out. Then he jumped atop the heads of two of them, toppling the fleshy platform beneath him. Done and done.

He wheeled around and unleashed the fury on the surrounding gangsters. He administered a swift kick to the head of one who then knocked back hard into another, and they were both out. Talk about killing two birds with one roundhouse. The man became a red blur punching the lights out of anyone who came up behind him, dodging bullets all the while. Since he was in the thick of the fight, he unsheathed his favorite close combat knife, a wicked curved thing like an old Mongol dagger. God did they know how to kill shit. Also fermented mare's milk. He should try that sometime. The mercenary sliced and jabbed and stabbed wildly into bodies all around him.

 _Fuck!_ Deadpool looked down at his stinging forearm. It's about damn time they got a shot in. He was starting to pity them.

With enhanced rage, Deadpool reloaded his gun and barreled through bodies in a frenzy. He crouched behind their own truck, waiting for them to line up. _Come to daddy._ Naturally they split up and, guns cocked, and closed in on him in formation. At least they could get this basic maneuver.

The baddies looked all around the back of the truck and found nothing, when suddenly one caught sight of a red gleam . They all snapped to attention and aimed their weapons at Deadpool from where he stood atop the eighteen-wheeler.

He shot his hands up. "Take me, but let me keep my dignity. I don't want to have to grow a limb back on the car ride,” he whined. “Oh look– a distraction!"And with that, the truck blew up. The pleather ninja leapt off hard and fast, propelled by a burst of flame, and hit the pavement with bent knees to absorb the shock.

“Whooffft,” he exhaled looking down at his singed suit, “I do like my buns toasted.” Deadpool looked back at the singed mess behind him, seeing some twitching bodies. White was complaining about how he could have avoided all this property damage, disturbing of the peace– “why’d you waste a small remote detonator on this?”– yada yada...

“I’ve been stir-crazy, gimme a break. I’ll uh clean it up? Drop an anonymous deposit to the mayor?” Deadpool mused. He walked home feeling a tad guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every title is a song title in this fic. Make a fuckin playlist or something if you want.


	2. Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they meet

“Honey, I’m home!” the bitter little bitch called sardonically through the doorway of his very own Palace de Pool. Met with an unexpected shuffling, his keen ears detected movement. Wade stilled. He turned in the direction of the noise, and staying close to walls and furniture, crept across the living room. Following his senses, DP paused at the door to his bedroom before bursting in, mac ten ready to take down the intruder. A flash of red vanished out the open window opposite him, and Deadpool rushed to the sill.

He was opening his mouth to catch the asshole with some sort of witty remark, when peering over, Deadpool saw a small ginger cat flicking it’s tail on the fire escape.

“Fuck, you almost got yourself shot, little guy!”

[Awwwwwe kitty! Can we keep it?]

{What would we do with it? Probably just neglect it till it dies. We can’t care for another life– we can’t even take care of you/us and we have a super-bod.}

“You’re so boney... Sickly, thin, red hair– hey! I’ll call you ‘Lohan’. Alright Lins, I believe I have some gourmet tuna à la expiré pour vous. Hold on just a minute.”

Rummaging through the cupboard, Wade’s rendition of George Michael’s “Freedom” was punctuated with the thwack of the cans he tossed over his shoulder. He didn't so much as pause in screeching “it's the one good thing that I got” when he whirled around in the blink of an eye, training a little pistol produced from God-knows-where onto the figure leaning in the doorway.

“‘Just a cat’ my ass! I knew I wasn't going crazy... er.”

The tall, fit figure raised its hands and stepped forward into the light. “You sure about that?” Spider-Man smirked somewhat sheepishly.

“Hey, my eight legged friend! How’s it hangin’?” asked Deadpool, breaking into an excited grin.

“I'm alright. Sure would be better if you put the gun away, though. I come in peace.”

Deadpool nodded and safety’d the gun, tossing it onto the kitchen counter. “So, Arachni-boy, to what do I owe the pleasure? I'm assuming you didn't haul that pretty ass of yours to this dump to borrow a cup of sugar.”

“Nah, I came for the free Wham! concert.”

“That’s actually from George Michael’s solo career.”

“Of course, how stupid of me.” Spidey took another few awkward paces forward. “I, uh, I’m here to get my cat actually. Believe it or not, I didn’t even know you lived here before I got here. I was following Vivaldi; he seemed like he had somewhere to be, and he was acting pretty weird. So– hi.”

“Um, so where’s the cat?”

“Chasing a roach on your fire escape.”

“Nice. Well, I’m glad he’s okay. I was just about to get him some tuna.”

“I’m sure he’d still take you up on that.”

 

“Dude, watch out for the one behind you!” warned Spider-Man, fingers flying dexterously over the console.

“Eat it, mushroom!” The merc button smashed his way out, somehow slicing up two zombies at once.

“Now that’s an interesting question. Since the Cordyceps uses the bodies as vessels, are we addressing the creatures as zombies or... conscious mushrooms?”

“Nerd,” quipped Deadpool, and Spider-Man blushed under his mask. “Alright! we made it to the next checkpoint.” He smiled at Vivaldi who had made himself home on the rug.

“Probably a good stopping point,” said the hero, finishing his beer.

“Yeah. This was fun.” Deadpool dropped his console.

“We make a good team. I would say we should do this more often if I didn’t find you so morally repulsive,” Spider-Man teased.

“Thanks.”

“I’ll see yah ‘round?”

“If you’re ever on 17th, drop by Maria’s Taqueria. I can get you a free something,” he offered.

And just like that, Spidey was out the window, cradling a blur of squirming ginger.

[We hate to see him go]

{But, boy, do we love to watch him leave}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much!!!!!!!!!! woohooo! I'm a writer now!


	3. Paralytic States

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is a student and also trans but you ain't supposeed to know that yet lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for some hip dysphoria.

Peter switched the desk lamp one brighter before licking a fingertip and flipping a coffee stained page.   
__  
Chapter Four: Phytochemical Screening and Antifungal Activities in Various Hydrocarbons  
  
A mouthful, but hey, it should be fun; phytochemistry was growing on him. Pun fully intended. 

Vivaldi was sitting atop his cluttered desk, a possessive paw stretched over his papers, purring like a tractor. The large cat began pawing at Peter’s laptop and let out a timid meow.

“You just want me to open it so you can sit on the keyboard.” Peter opened the laptop and resumed play on Chopin’s Nocturnes. 

Viv flicked his tail jauntily and promptly curled into a tiny ball to snooze, a little smile playing on his mouth.

“Well, you’ve got the right idea,” Peter yawned. He would stay up another hour or so to finish the notes on his chapter and then he could go to bed.

It was two AM and Peter couldn’t stop reading about plant regeneration. He also couldn’t stop his mind from flickering every so often to another regenerative organism– Deadpool.  Peter replayed his most recent interaction with the man in his mind; it was so... familiar. It isn’t like he expected a duel– they’d left each other on amicable terms after working out some moral quirks. They hadn’t done much “professionally” together, but the team-ups they’d had were exciting– definitely a better alternative to the fighting. He just hadn’t expected such a friendly, un-mortally-dangerous interaction to take place. 

Peter would be lying if he said he hadn’t looked at Deadpool with, um, sexual interest. The man had a body like a beefier Michaelangelo’s  _ David  _ and charisma and wit which eclipsed his own. He was undeniably sexy in a “don’t bring him home to Momma” way, and even his lack of decorum (to which Peter feigned annoyance) got Peter going in ways he was ashamed to admit. 

Would it be so bad if he wanted a free taco? He was a broke grad student– a free taco was always welcome. He was just taking advantage of what was offered to him. Plus, who was he kidding, he was kind of starved for social contact. Something changed that night. Peter stepped down from his high horse for a second, and he liked the feel of the earth on his feet. He really wanted to be friends with Deadpool– and he accepted that. 

Peter was warm and sweaty, but he couldn’t undress let alone shower, so he crawled into bed in his jeans. It was one of those nights when he couldn’t bear his naked body. He would just fall asleep. Hopefully it would be better in the morning. Vivaldi followed him, curling at the edge of the bed after checking up on Peter and receiving a reassuring ear scratch.

That night, he dreamed of chemical formulae clotting together into a black inky pit. He dreamed of it stripping his flesh away as he was sucked in deeper and deeper, until he was nothing but a skeleton with a wide pelvis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i was so busy with my musical that i havent been able to write in a billion days so :/ anyways so the videogame is The Last of Us which I highly recommend. Peter's feelings are based off my own crippling dysphoria. plus I like phytochem.


	4. Why Can't We Be Friends

Maria’s little bell jingled, signaling the entrance of Spider-Man, fully suited and super. Wade smiled wide under his mask and stood to greet the hero. “Hey, Spidey! Good to see you. I really didn’t expect you to take me up on the ever seeing me again thing on account of how fucked up I am. Like Mexican food? They have the best carnitas in soft shell here. It’s got this sauce that’s just–” He kissed his fingers in an Italian way.

“The carnitas sounds good. I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“S’that make me Sally? “ Wade chuckled. “ Y’know I always thought the message of that movie was weird. Like ‘men and women can’t be friends without fucking’– I really don’t get straight people. I can’t be friends with _anyone_ without wanting to get in their pants. Actually I just can’t be friends with anyone _period_.”

{You know, you don’t have to say everything that pops into your head.}

Spider-man shook his head in confusion and amusement.

Wade rose from his rickety chair to order Spider-Man’s food. “So how’s your day been?” he asked returning with a basket of warm tortilla chips.

Spider-Man burst into cute-but-slightly-out-of-place laughter.

“What? Do I have something in my teeth?” Wade asked.

“This is just so... mundane.”

“Oh– I’m sorry. Right, of course you’d wanna do something better than sit here with me. Silly me! Well what’re your hobbies– other than selflessly fighting petty crime non discriminately to better your city– and looking cute while doing it? We could go beat up some muggers! Or do super-parkour–”

“Chill, Deadpool. I just thought it was funny. My life’s always so... much,” Spidey explained.

Eating the chips with masks rolled up, the two men engaged in pleasant conversation. They exchanged stories inter-spliced with jokes and laughter. The banter flowed easily.

“–so with chocolate milk dripping from my hair, I marched right over to that bastard and shook like a wet dog.”

{What a dork.}

[I think it’s cute.]

{The two aren’t mutually exclusive.}

At this punchline (and the thought of what a dork Spider-man was), Wade belly laughed, causing Spidey to laugh pretty hard too.

When the conversation lulled, Spidey sheepishly interjected “I’m getting pretty antsy–”

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” Wade finished the thought decisively.

And with that the two grown men in bodysuits burst out into the cool night, chasing that sweet sweet Auntie Adrenaline. Spidey rocketed into the air, pulling himself up on the web he’d shot up. “Come on, Deadpool!”

Deadpool did some wack parkour shit and made it up to the roof of Maria’s. “Spidey, you know I can’t keep up with that Tarzan shit,” he called, leaping to the next rooftop. “How long’s it take for them spider senses to beep?”

“Patience, young padawan. I got this– follow me. ”

“All my dreams are coming true tonight! The only way this could get any better is if Barbra Streisand floated in on a unicorn and knighted me while Ryan Reynolds ate my ass!”

[And then you and Spidey fuck on a bed of enchiladas!]

Spidey shook his head with a sigh and an implied eye-roll. “Alright time to shut up. We’re getting close to something.”

In his trademark upside-down squat, Spider-man rappelled down the side of the shady-ass building on which they were perched. On popping back up, he declared: “It’s a laboratory with equipment I’ve never seen. It looks pretty sinister.”

{Of course it does.}

They wrenched open the window and cautiously dropped down into the lab. Spidey was right– it was sinister. Not only was it cold enough to freeze blood, it was lit with a soft yet penetrating yellow light uncharacteristic of labs. There were six floor to ceiling fishtanks, three flanking each side of the lab. Wade stepped boldly forward and pressed his nose against the glass.

“Hey I can’t see sh–”

Wade was cut off by the sudden ability to actually see said shit when a light abruptly flicked on, illuminating the horrific contents of the tank.

There suspended in fluid was a teenage looking kid, a clunky breathing apparatus on their face, their naked body covered in electrodes, skin swelling and gray beneath them.

Spider-man ran over from his place at the light switch and exhaled shakily. He made a beeline for the wall on the far side of the lab which appeared to be one giant filing cabinet and began frantically ripping drawers open which flew through the air and landed with deafening bangs. He was rifling through files carelessly and so quickly that Deadpool wondered if he was actually reading them at all.

Finally, Spider-man stopped, apparently satisfied with the information he’d gleaned and announced: “It was involuntary. We need to save them.”

Deadpool nodded and pulled a gun from his holster. After firing it twice at the glass (at the bottom away from the kid), he just threw his body violently at the glass, shattering it instantly. Liquid burst forth as the tank gave out, and Deadpool rushed to catch the kid’s limp– but breathing fairly steadily– body in his arms.

Deadpool stopped peeling electrodes off swollen skin when he heard a mechanical whirring; he looked up to see Spider-man draining another tank with the control panel in the corner of the room, aiming a dry look at him.

“Oops,” Wade dead-panned.

Spider-man opened the tank and rushed to the other sickly body. This one had large transparent wings similar to those of a dragonfly which were a little worse for wear.

“These kids are in pretty rough shape...”

Spider-man explained that he was pretty sure whatever experimentation had been done on the kid, they already had those wings.

So this guy was experimenting on mutant kids. Hadn’t they been through enough?

_Clang!_

Wade snapped out of his own head to see Spidey kick something clear across the lab. He looked around to see that there were hostile automatons about one meter in height whirring in from a door in the wall– in droves.

“I thought I disabled security,” Deadpool pouted.

“We have to get these kids out of here now!”

**_To be continued..._ **


	5. Action This Day

Spider-man ducked, narrowly missing the projectile rocketing toward him. On contact with the floor, the thing burst, releasing steaming and sizzling liquid; it burned mercilessly through the floor. Strong acidic or basic capsules. They couldn’t know which but it didn’t matter; both had the gross capacity to corrode organic tissue. Meaning, ouch.

“I’ll cover. Get these kids to safety. The other ones too if we can,” barked Deadpool.

[Where’s this sudden nobility coming from?]

{Apparently we turn into Clark motherfucking Kent around Spidey. It’s probably just to get into his spandex…We’re totally domming on him too.}

[You think Spidey’s a sub?]

He fired at one of the drones, and the bullet loudly riccochéd off the neck-like juncture where he thought a weak spot would be. Adapting fast, Deadpool lunged at the robot with a butterfly knife and overpowered it. In one fluid motion, he pried it’s back off with the blade and yanked out a clump of wires. The bot collapsed in a visible short circuit.

[And then something so unusual, so rare and mystical it could’ve been a unicorn happened: Deadpool got an idea.]

{He gets a lot of those unfortunately. Just not good ones.}

He hopped onto the back of the robot and used his other foot to push off the floor, using the robot’s body like a clunky and hard to operate scooter. Deadpool zipped around with the robot carcass, barrelling into his targets. He even managed to find the chamber in which the acid capsules were lined up. From there, Deadpool lobbed them furiously at robots which responded with sizzles and pops.

 [Sweet!]

Meanwhile, Spider-man was clearing a path for himself with expert dodges, kicks, and webbing. He had one mutant kid on each shoulder and was making for the window. But too many of the machines were swarming around him. Deadpool rushed to his side and furiously fought off the swarm while Spidey pulled himself up and out through the window. He dropped down to the alleyway between the lab and the next building and frantically looked for somewhere to hide the teens until they could rescue the others. He decided on the nearest dumpster. Not very glamorous, but discrete.

Obviously the system was shut down at that point, so using the control panel to drain the remaining tanks was not an option.

[Breaking shit is our specialty!]

Deadpool shot up another tank. However, he wasn’t able to actually remove the kid because he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by automatons. Deadpool’s skin burned from the acid as he clawed the things away from the poor mutant kid.

Just in time, Spider-man swung in from the ceiling. He made eye contact with Deadpool and nodded before scooping up the teenager. He was gone as fast as he came.The two men managed to continue this pattern until all of the kids were piled in the dumpster outside and all the automatons lay dying on the floor of the lab.

“Where do we take them?” panted Spidey.

 “I know a place.”

[Where the grass is really greener]

He looked at Deadpool skeptically before shrugging, signaling to lead the way.

Spidey wrapped all of the haggard and now semi-conscious teenagers in webbing. He gripped the sack (lmao), bearing the weight on his shoulder, while using the other arm to swing from the rooftops above.

“Ooh whatcha got there, Santa? Anything in that sack for me?” Deadpool dripped with tooth-rotting flirtation.

 “Deadpool.”

{Too much, Wade.}

[No, go for it, man. Go in for the kill!]

“Nothing to stuff my stocking? Not even a little candy cane? Not that your candy cane is little– I’m sure it’s a great size. Not that size matters of course; my grandma always used to say ‘it ain’t the size of the tool, but how you use it’. Plus the sexiest thing is really confidence in your own body–”  
“Deadpool. Shut up,” Spider-man scolded.

{Yeah, shut up.}

“Now, care to tell me how we keep from being tracked so we can keep these kids safe?”

“Well the best solution would be to just camp out with them until this is all figured out isn’t it?”

“I do want to further investigate this. I’ll put an end to whatever’s going on, you can count on that.”

“I figured you’d want to. And we can’t just save ‘em only to get them or some other kids abducted. Which is why we’re going to have a mega-slumber party!”

“W-what?” Spidey protested. But Wade wasn’t listening; instead he was excitedly prattling about the proposed slumber party.

“We can watch Game of Thrones or Legally Blonde or marathon Ryan Gosling movies. Let’s paint each others nails and gossip while we watch My Strange Addiction– my favorite is that chick who eats her husband’s ashes. And I can make pancakes and popcorn and lots of snacks! And we can play ‘two truths and a lie’ and ‘truth or dare’ and ‘spin the bottle’! Well maybe not ‘spin the bottle’ since there’s only us two plus a bunch of underaged and freshly traumatized teenagers. Oh and we’ll talk about our troubled pasts over box wine and cheetos! We’ll have pillow fights in our underwear that leads to you falling on top of me and– Ooh this is going to be so fun! Yay! Male bonding!!”

“This is hardly necessary. I have a job and school and–”

“It’s spring break.” Wade said petulantly.

“...Well, if it’s the best way to stop this plot, I guess I can afford some time off work.”

“Awe come on pl- wait what? I didn’t expect you’d be so easy. Awesome! Thank you oh great god of homosexuality. I mean, yeah, this is our duty as good citizens or whatever.”


End file.
